Flipping through Neflix became so boring after a while. I had this vacant feeling inside me. It permeated throughout my whole body. Nothing was enjoyable to watch, I already mindlessly scrolled through my phone thousands of times. Counting spots on the ceiling began to lose its charm. I don't know if I could call what I was feeling unhappy or sad, it was just blank. I longed for something to stimulate me. I would rather be miserable, at least then I would feel something, feel alive. If I had a soul, it must have left me. I reached around under the blankets for my phone, I found it in the crack between couch cushions.
“Two thirty AM.” I whispered under my breath.
I felt my chest rise and fall with my sigh.
“Really taking her time tonight.”
I started a random show on the tv. I just needed some sort of distraction. I was hardly into the first episode, when I was interrupted by the familiar sound of my wife coming home late. I listened as she gently hummed to herself while hanging up her coat. Her footsteps approached the living room.
“Oh, honey. Why are you still awake? Don't you work tomorrow?” She chimed as she walked into the living room.
“I took the day off.”
“Are you feeling sick?”
“No, I'm fine. How was your girls' night?” I responded dryly.
“It was fun, we had a bit of wine, and talked about boring girl gossip. You know the usual.”
“Yeah, I know.” I said slowly.
She paused briefly before continuing.
“Hey, I know you have been feeling down because you missed your promotion at work. I just want you to know I'm always here for you. You can share your feelings and rely on me more.
”She threw her arms around my shoulders, and rested her head on her neck next to me.
“See, now this was the most painful. You always do things that make me think you love me. You must not have any shame.” I said in a cold tone of voice.
Her arms slowly slid off my shoulders and she paused for a few seconds.
“What's gotten into you? Are you being serious, you know I love you.” She responded with a worried tone of voice.
“The scary part is that you might actually.” I said as I slid to the other side of the couch. She looked at me with a somber face.
“I wanted to see how long it would take for you to tell me. To my disbelief, you didn't say anything. You just kept living here, pretending that you love me.” I said with a vacant tone. Her eyes started watering, she let out an awkward laugh.
“Hey, honey this isn't funny, were you watching that spanish soap ope-”
“Don’t! Don't even start. It's just sad honestly. I've known for a while.”She recoiled backwards, like a frightened snake. She cupped her hands over her mouth, and tears began to spill out of her eyes.
“I have a problem, please you-” She managed to say that through bursts of sniffles and wails.
"I know, I have a problem too.” I said cutting her off again.
She was attempting to speak again but I wouldn't let her get anything out.
“But, my problem is you, so I'm getting rid of it. Your stuff is already all packed up. You're leaving in the morning, you sleep in the bed. It's your last night here after all.”
She rose off the couch slowly, and leaned her hand on the wall for support.
“You can't kick me out, I live here too.” Her tears began to fall harder.
I didn't say anything, but gave her a cold empty stare. She spent a long time looking into my eyes, her face slowly twisted into an expression of dismay. She collapsed to her knees and began bawling.
“Please, I'm so sorry, I promise I won't ever do it again. I'm so sorry, I have a problem. Please.” She begged,
I was looking at this pitiful display in front of me. Was I supposed to feel something, because I didn't. Just felt a strange sense of pity. The same kind I would feel for a dog begging on the street, not wanting to help, but feeling sorry that it exists. I thought I would feel good if she was shocked, in pain, and miserable. This was quite underwhelming. Now I just want her gone, I don't know what I would do from now on, keep living I guess. Her loud sobbing stopped my train of thought.
“Let me stay until I find a place.” She said, grasping on straws.
“You already have one.” I said with a sigh. I turned off the tv, and got myself comfortable. I looked at the creature I used to call my wife. She was still in the middle of having a breakdown. It was honestly quite unsightly.
“I'm going to bed, I'll call you an uber in the morning. Oh and if you're just going to cry all night, do it in the bedroom please.” I said as I rested my head on my pillow.
I closed my eyes, I wasn't really sleepy. I wasn't really anything. This mood was quite uncomfortable. I wonder if I'll ever go back to normal. I heard my wife rise, and the sound of her crying slowly traveled to the bedroom. I spent a long time listening to the sound of my wife's sobbing, echoing from our old room. My eyes started to itch, for some reason tears seemed to fall slowly down my cheeks. How strange, I wasn't feeling sad. At least I don't think so. It feels like my body separated from my mind and is grieving so my mind doesn't have to. My tears came down faster and faster, my nose began to water.
“Why?” I said out loud in frustration.
I felt a pressure begin to crush my head, it felt like it could burst at any moment. I was full on bawling now and with my tears came a sudden torrent of emotion. The waves of emotion completely decimated me. Causing a sudden pain to rush throughout my whole body.
Through my great sadness, I could feel a rush of anger coming as well.
Anger at myself for still shedding another tear.
Anger at myself, for loving someone so long.
Anger for all those times I sacrificed for her.
All these times I failed and felt terrible. All those times I tried.
And despite all the terrible, horrible shit I've been through, I can't bring myself to hate her. Even though I have every fucking reason to. For some reason all the nice memories manage to surface.
Her smile.
The way she could make me laugh.
The sound of her voice.
I hate myself for how much I loved her.
And most of all, that right now,
I feel bad for her.
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