It's hard to even lift my hand. I need to get up, I need to move. But I can't. How do people do this? I've been sitting here for so long, I've planned out in my head what I'm going to do one thousand times but I can't move. Every time I feel like I'm about to get up and do something. I'll find a way to delay it in my head. I'll say I'll get up in five minutes. After five minutes I tell myself I'll get up after a song. Then I'll tell myself I'll do it after I finish my video. Or I'll wait for someone to talk to me, so I can come up with an excuse in my head to justify not getting what I need to do done. I'll tell myself I'm too tired, too worn out, too sleepy, not in the mood, or worse yet I’ll do it tomorrow. At first I thought I was sick, or maybe there was something wrong with me. Hell, I even blamed demon possession before I came to terms that I'm just lazy. I must have thought I was special, that I was someone important, someone special. That I matter, that I make a difference simply for being alive. The idea that I'm not, must have been too hard for me. So my mind would come up with thousands of reasons other than I'm the problem.
It's a harsh reality that I'm useless, utterly useless, I don't do anything. I complain all the time even though I don't have anything to be upset about. My life's good, but I feel like something is missing. I tell myself I'll get it done later, but I'm just lying to myself. I don't even trust myself at this point. It's frustrating, having great ideas and plans but no motivation, no willpower, but I delude myself into thinking that it will just solve itself. I'm the type of person to be working at a McDonalds in fifty years, but I'll just blame it all on bad luck and not that I'm a lazy sack of shit.
My thoughts annoy me. I talk big shit but can't back it up. Now I'm stuck in a pity party. I'm pathetic really. I can feel my whole soul screaming at me. Telling me to get up. My body felt unresponsive like I was stuck inside a lifeless mannequin. I kept telling myself to get up, my mind just kept repeating, get up, get up, get up, GET UP! Fuck!
I just have to get it done I guess. No excuses, anything I tell myself is a lie. I need to stop this toxic cycle of blaming things other than me. The people who are the main characters of this world are working hard everyday while I sit here twiddling my fucking thumbs. I wish I could beat the shit out of myself. It's not like everyone else likes being alive in this shitty world. The difference between them and me is they are at least trying. That's all. I'm tired of it all. I wanna be a main character too. I wanna feel accomplished, I wanna see the fruits of my labor. I'll get it done even if its just spite motivating me at this point. I'm tired of being a loser. I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, its about time I get things done.
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