What if things were different. What if I was better? What if you did better? These regrets are my demons. They come for me when I’m vulnerable, relentless, unending. I lost everything that mattered to me, it burned up in smoke. I thought I would be able to save us. But once again I failed, just like I failed you. A single memory can whip up a storm of emotion and send me spiraling into darkness. Emptiness, regret, pain, they stick with me, whispering in my ears. Telling me I'll never find another. No one can compare, they never did and never will. Do I just need to accept that and move on? I can't, I've tried so hard. I want them to be missing me too, I want them to think about me and cry. I want them to experience even a fraction of the pain I feel.
Is this part of life, a great pain, a greater separation. Will I have to learn to live with these demons? No matter what I try, I can't exorcize them. I've tried many material things in this world to help me let go. But they remain. I feel like I've become a demon myself in order to avoid mine. But now we are demons together.
Do I hurt people like this? Have I hurt people like this? Maybe, but sadly I don't seem to care, I'm too focused on trying to alleviate this pain I feel. I have no time to wonder about the pain I could be inflicting on others.
I remain here by myself. They have moved on to a better place, this destroyed world is home only to me. I live among the wreckage and debris. Still stagnant, still stuck, longing for a new home, but I'm tethered down by this world, I can't leave. I've lived here for so long I'm not sure what a new world would even bring. I loved this world to death. Ironic considering that's all that's left here. No other world could be as happy, as beautiful. Could I ever love a world as much as I loved this one?
It might be time for me to leave this world. Leave it all behind, and never go back.
Why am I hesitating? I've been at the space station, about to take off. I've managed to break the shackles that held me here. Now that I'm free, I don't know if I have the willpower. My demons are telling me to stay, they want me to stay. They whisper sweet nothings into my ear, telling me that this world is redeemable, that if i stay here and clean it up they will come back to this world. Because they loved it here too, right? I realize that's a delusion created to keep me stuck. Should I write a farewell or just blast off into the sky. I'm not sure, this is my first time leaving a world behind. I'll truly miss it with every fiber of my being.
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