I couldn't speak, whenever I tried the words got stuck in my throat.
“Don't you have anything to say?” He said coldly.
I do, I have so much to say, more than I even know how to say. What words could even express this. As hard as I tried, I couldn't say anything. I was reduced to a shriveling wreck on my knees.
“You're pathetic.” He said while slowly walking towards me.
My eyes were glued to the ground. He crouched down in front of me, grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked my head up to face his. His eyes were vacant and empty.
“Why are you the one crying? I'm the one who's suffering.”
I hardly managed to blurt out the next words.
“I-i Im s-s-sorry.”
He released his grip on my hair and suddenly kicked me in the chest, the air rushed out of my lungs as I was flung backwards, I could feel my body convulsing as I tried to desperately breathe in air.
“Stand up, your legs still work right?” He said devoid of any emotion.
I tried to rise to my feet, but I quickly tumbled over. My legs were frozen, I couldn't move them at all.
“Stand.”
His voice sent shivers down my spine. I wobbled to my feet. I looked at him, and his eyes told me he wanted me to speak.
“I know it might not matter but I'm sorry. I-I c-cant ever change what happened, i know i'm the worst right? I should have never tried to be friends with you. I shouldn't even be alive. I don't deserve to be alive.”
“Then die.”
Clang!
He dropped a dagger at my feet. I picked it up and the feeling of cold steel brought a strange sense of calmness to me. If I use this, can I end the torment that I feel? If I die as well, maybe that would make him happy. My heart sank as I realized that he wanted me dead. But I don't blame him, I would probably want me dead too, it's only fair that I die as well. I pressed the steel to my neck. I just need to cut here and that should do it right? What if I cut wrong and I don't die but just end up in agony? Should I stab? My hands were shaking. Death will be a release right? I don't deserve to live, right? Maybe he’s just testing me, I looked up at him, his cold eyes gave up no hints. My heart felt like it was going to implode. I was experiencing emotions I didn't understand. I just have to pull it quickly. I took a deep breath, tightened my grip and- a memory of her came to my mind. Her warm smile when she told me how much my mom misses me.
Clang!
“I can't do it! I can't. I want to but I'm so worthless I can't even kill myself. The worst part is, a memory of her made me stop.”
I had no tears left to shed, I didn't even feel alive.
“What's the point in dying, you would be wasting your life. I agree, you're worthless, but spend the rest of that worthless life trying to make up for it. Dedicate yourself to me and my cause, obey and behave.”
His voice was so distant and hollow.
Maybe, if I devote myself to a cause, I can atone even a little. Living like this might be easier, I don't have to think, I just do my one job. I really don't want to think, the more I think, the more agony I experience. He was so void, but right now, it felt comforting. Oh I see now, this feeling must only be a fraction of his pain, that's why he seems so empty. It's impressive he is even able to walk around. I don't think I would be able to.
“Get up, let's go.” He said then started walking away.
I followed him without even really knowing it. I have a feeling if I follow him now I'll get to see the end of this all.
Don't think.
Just keep moving.
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