Day 32 Don't

I don't want to. I don't know why, but the thought is too much to bear. It's so easy to waste time, so easy to settle in. It's so easy to just play one more game. But it's hard to even write a single word on this paper. It feels like i'm fighting against a supernatural force, i'm used to quitting, used to giving up. I must have given up on self growth a long time ago at the rate at which I do anything productive. Everyone else is out here giving it their all. But I sit here unmotivated, unwanting, I don't have goals, hardly have desires. I just wanna sit and be with friends. But doesnt everyone? Maybe I'm not different at all, maybe this is normal? Meh, who even knows what normal is, because I certainly don't. Does it make me mad to see other people doing better than me? No honestly, because I'm so accustomed to not being the best at something, I've given up before I even began. When's the last time I've taken anything seriously, when have I spent the time chasing something I wanted? I couldn't tell you. Maybe that's what I'm missing from life, a goal, a desire. Something to follow mindlessly so I can lie to myself saying I'm living my best life. I'm not sure if what I'm even living is a life. I'm just another cog in the machine of life. Simply turning, never wanting to be my own. The world spins slowly and so do I. Will I reach a point where I look back and regret it? Maybe, but maybe I'll be a happy little cog until I rust to nothing, leaving nothing. I wish I could find something to care about. I wish I could find something to worship, to idolize, so I can live without another thought. But here I am chasing another one of my fleeting fantasies.