Strange.
Normally causing you to suffer would make me feel strong, make me happy. It felt like the suffering I went through was somehow justified through your tears. Because of course who would want to suffer alone. Recently I just can't get into it. Hurting others, what's the point? I get it though, I really really do. I heard that the best way to make someone who hurt you suffer is to show you don't care. So maybe my lack of interest is my own way at getting back at those who hurt me? It's not though, I try to make them feel better about themselves. Each person has a passion and a goal. I feel like mine is seeing others thrive, do well. For some reason it brings such an immense sense of satisfaction to me when I help others see their worth. Even people who frankly don't deserve it. I know they are trash and unthankful, but recently I don't care, I now understand my mother a lot more. I would always criticize her self sacrificing ways. I understand now, I don't do it for others but for myself. Having people think I'm a great or good person is my vice. Am I fake for that? Maybe, probably actually. As always though, I'll act out this fake life until it becomes real. Or maybe this was who I was the whole time and I'm only now starting to realize it.
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