She must have lied to me. When the lies started and when they ended I don't know. The more I think about it, the more the feeling of worthlessness takes over me. I want to hide from it. I want to run. There aren't any drugs for me. I quit a while ago, but when things like this happen I long for the high. I long to not feel to not think. My thoughts are pain itself. I know drugs only hide the pain. Who would want to face these feelings head on. Maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm not strong enough to keep my head high as she sleeps with another man. I try to keep from wondering if she was unfaithful the whole time, or if it was recent. The only thing I know is that she lied. I don't know if anything she said was ever the truth. That thought makes me sick. Makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I was simply a toy to be used and tossed aside when I was no longer fun. What makes it worse is how much I loved her. How I still do, I wish I could simply hate her, slander her name to anyone who will listen. But I can't, I won't. Knowing that makes me feel so small, so powerless. Not only do I not have control over my own situations, but I no longer have control over my thoughts and feelings. I was sitting across from my new date, she was talking about work, just regular small talk. But I couldn't focus on her, or anything she said. I was lost in my own thoughts. This isn't fair to her I think. Though life has never been fair to me. We finished dinner and I told her things won't work out. She didn't seem disappointed. Why would she be, I was hardly having a fun time. Seeking people out like this even though I know my own mental state is pathetic isn't it. I just want someone to care for, someone to love. I don't think it matters who it is at this point. I want a connection, but I didn't feel it with my date, i don't know if i'll ever feel it again. What even is a connection? I felt connected to my ex, but I know I was the only one who felt that way and it makes me sad. I hadn’t left the restaurant yet, the weird looks from the waiters reminded me I should go.
“Then fuck you!” A girl's voice rang out as I was leaving.
Looks like a couple had quite the argument, the man's suit was stained with wine she threw onto him. I couldn't help but laugh. She saw my amusement and marched straight towards me. Shit I thought in my head the last thing I want is a confrontation.
“You think this is funny?”
“Yeah, my night was pretty dull.”
She looked like she wanted to get upset, but just sighed.
“Wish i could say the same. Know where I can get a cheap drink?
“Thumpers Pub, cheap people, cheap drinks. Walking distance from here.”
“Thanks.”
Halfway to the exit she turned around.
“Well come on then.”
I looked down at my watch, not that I had anything planned. What excuse should I use? As I was running through reasons that sounded believable. She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me out the exit. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to go with this random woman. She likely just wants to rant to me about how terrible that guy was. I couldn’t care less honestly.
I was about to give an excuse as to why I can't make it, but her eyes were on fire. As if she dared me to come up with a reason not to. So I let her drag me to the pub.
The loud music played over low quality speakers could be heard a few buildings down. About half the customers were outside smoking, as per usual.
“Got an extra?”
She said to a tough looking biker covered with tattoos. He looked at the small woman who was still pulling me by the wrist and laughed. Pulling out a cigarette and lit it for her. She took a long drag from it and sighed deeply. She gestured for me to take it off her, I declined.
“You a christian or something?” She asked
I couldn't help but laugh.
“What does that have to do with smoking?”
“My mom’s a christian says smokes are for the devil.”
“Are you the devil then?”
“Feel like it right now.”
After finishing the cigarette, she pulled me into the pub. For some reason I don't mind being dragged around by her. It felt like I was a child being pulled along by his mom though a grocery store, a warm strangely caring kind of feeling.
“I'll buy your drink. Find us a spot.” She said as she left me alone.
Obediently I did, I went to my usual spot off in the corner, it only sits two, but I've never been here with someone else. Not even my ex, she would judge me for coming to a place like this.
She came over with two pints of beer. She sat across from me and downed half of hers before taking a breath. I was waiting for her to start ranting, but she didn't. She just stared at me, looking into my eyes. Her eyes were so clear, there wasn't anything hidden behind them. A window strait into her soul. It was beautiful. I was honestly lost when her voice cut me off.
“Bloody hell you look worse than I do. Was your date that bad?”
“No. Just not interesting.”
“Well what's bugging yuh.”
“Nothing, I'm just tired.”
“Like hell you are, I bought your drink so the least you could do is be honest with me.”
I couldn't meet her eyes, they were too earnest. Made me feel bad for lying, so I stared at my pint of beer.
“Well you finish that, then start talking okay.”
I downed it as quickly as I could. The warm feeling started to spread from my chest. And to my surprise i unloaded all i was feeling. All my sadness, all my worry, my self doubt. I had no one else to talk to and it made me feel lonelier than I expected. She mostly just nodded along. But she was listening, and I felt heard for the first time in forever.
“Hahaha well aren't you an unfortunate feller. Yeah women will do that, I've met a couple nasty ones myself.”
“Thanks for dragging me with you, made my night so much better. I think I needed that.”
“Thank you too, hearing how sad yous are made me feel better as well.” She said with a wild smile. The ache in my soul started to heal, I felt like my pieces were starting to come back together.
“Well i'll be off now, got work in the morning. See you around then. ”
Then she suddenly left. I never got her name or number or anything. I wanted to chase after her but I was in shock. I burst out in laughter. What a random encounter.
As I went to bed, I wasn't haunted by the usual thoughts of the past, I was thinking of if and when I would ever meet my mysterious savior again.
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